The Online Joker

Atheist in a Boat

2008-12-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

An Atheist was on holiday here in Loch Ness in Scotland when he fell out of the rowing boat he was fishing in. When he saw a dark shadow swimming towards him, he started to scream at the top of this voice. He was shouting "Dear Lord, please help me!"

The clouds above him opened up and a deep voice cried "Why, I thought you did not believe in me!" The atheist shouted back "I know Lord, but until 2 minutes ago I did not believe in the Loch Ness Monster!"

Sheep Farm

2008-12-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

A blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "159."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Rowing Boat

2008-11-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

A blonde was driving when she saw another blonde in a field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. She got out of her car and ran over to the fence.
"You! No wonder us blondes get a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come out there and get you!"

Execution

2008-11-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

A Englishman, a Scotsman and a Irishman were sentenced to death by firing squad.
The Englishman was first to be taken from his cell. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!"
The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the Englishman ran away.
The Scotsman was then led out. The soldiers began to take aim when suddenly the Scotsman shouted 'Avalanche!'and he ran off.
Finally the Irishman was led out. He remembered how the others had escaped and when the soldiers took aim shouted 'Fire!'

Painting the Fence

2008-11-24T11:22:00.000-08:00

Billy bought a tin of paint from B&Q.
He returned home and started painting his newly built fence, with his brand new paintbrush. The tin caught his eye, and he saw the instructions on the side.
He ran inside and brought out a fleece, an anorak and a waterproof.
He then dipped them in paint and wiped them on the fence.
"What are you doing?" asked a passing stranger.
"The tin said to use three coats." replied Billy.

On The Buses

2008-11-24T11:18:00.000-08:00

A man was working on a bus as a ticket collector. One day, he rang the bell to tell the driver to go when a passenger was still getting on. The bus sped away and the passenger died.
The ticket collector was sentenced to the death penalty for murdering the passenger.
On the day of his execution, his executioner asked him what his final meal would be.
"I'll have that banana that's in your bag."
He ate the banana and was led to the electric chair.
Thousands of volts passed through him, but he didn't die. He was freed and got his old job back.
The next day, he rang the bell to tell the driver to go when a passenger was still getting on. The bus sped away and the passenger died.
Again, he was sentened to death.
He again asked for the banana before the electric chair.
"You'll never survive this," promised the executioner. "I've increased the voltage."
The executioner flicked the switch and thousands of volts were passed through the man. Amazingly, he survived again and returned to working on the buses.
The executioner found him one day, when on his way into the town.
"How did you survive the electric chair - twice? It was the banana, wasn't it!"
"No," said the man. "I'm just a bad conductor."

Dodgems

2008-11-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

The Credit Crunch is affecting fairgrounds now. A friend of mine is a dodgems owner, and has been sacked due to rising costs. He's sueing for funfair dismissal.

Gym

2008-09-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

I recently joined the Gym. There's a machine there, only used it for an hour and I feel sick.
It's got Kit Kats, Twixes, Mars Bars and everything.

Russian Insects

2008-09-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

What do you call a cautious Russian wasp?

A Cagey Bee.

The Bald Witch

2008-09-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are captured by a bald witch.
"I will set you free," she said, "If you do something better than I can."
The Englishman went first. He drank 14 glasses of water. The witch drank 15.
Then came the Irishman. He hopped for 5 miles. The witch hopped for 6.
The Scotsman was last. He calmly went up to the witch and pulled out a comb and combed his hair.

You're Pulling My Leg

2008-09-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

A man goes to the doctor, to find out what's wrong with his leg.
"If you put your ear to it," he tells the doctor, "it sounds like it's asking for money."
The Doctor listens to it through his stethoscope and hears, "Give me a tenner, give me a tenner!"
"If seen this before. Your leg's broke."

Chicken Library

2008-08-31T12:42:00.001-07:00

A chicken runs into the library and shouts out "BOOK, BOOK,BOOK!"
The librarian, looking very puzzled, hands over a Crime novel, and the Chicken runs out.
A few minutes later, the Chicken comes back.
"BOOK, BOOK, BOOK!"
It leaves with another novel.
Later, the Chicken returns, "BOOK, BOOK, BOOK." This time the librarian follows it.
It runs to a pond nearby and shows a frog the book.
"Read it, Read it!"

Faithful Pet?

2008-08-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

A policeman is on the beat and spots an old man, pulling a Brick on a lead. The policeman walks over to him and realises that he must be a bit simple.
"Nice dog you've got there." he said.
"It's not a dog, it's a brick." the old man replied.
"Oh... Sorry..." said the Policeman, who turned and walked away.
The old man looked at the brick.
"That fooled him didn't it Rover!"

Penguin Pal

2008-08-31T12:41:00.001-07:00

A man was walking through a park and found a lonely penguin wandering around. He picked it up and took it to the Police Station.
"Take it to the zoo." the Officer said.
The next day, the same Police Officer was walking down the street. He saw the man, with the Penguin in his arms.
"I thought I told you to take it to the zoo!" he cried out.
"I did," replied the man,"now I'm taking it to the Cinema."

In The Stables

2008-08-31T12:41:00.000-07:00

Two racing Horses were in the stable, discussing their recent races.
"I've won the last 5 races I've been in!" says Golden Boy.
"Well I've won my last 8!" replied Silver Star.
"I don't mean to boast, but I've won my last 15 races."
The horses turn round to see a greyhound in the corner.
"Wow. A talking dog."

Dog In a Bank

2008-08-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

A dog walked into a bank and asked for a loan.
He was refused, so came back later with a china teapot.
"I'll give you this teapot is you give me a loan."
The bank assistant, Patty Whack, asked for his name.
"My name is Billy. My owner is Mick Jagger."
Patty got her manager to deal with the dog. She told him about his owner and the teapot.
He replied, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the dog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

Ghandi

2008-08-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Mahatma Ghandi, was a very old, frail man. He walked about a lot on barefoot, so developed a few blisters on his feet. He also ate a lot of spicy Indian foods. What did he become?

A Super Fragile Calloused Mystic Hexed by Halitosis.

Dubya

2008-08-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush is in his office one day, trying to figure out a jigsaw puzzle.
"This should be easy," he said, "the last time I did a jigsaw I did it in 1 year, when it said 3-5 years on the box."
Half an hour later, he is still at it, so he calls in Dick Cheney.
"I can't do this jigsaw, it should make a rooster!"
"Now, now, sir, put the Cornflakes back in the box..."

The Lie Clocks

2008-08-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

A man died and went to heaven.
When he got there, he was shown into an office.
"Sit down," said an angel.
The man sat and looked around. All over the walls were lots of clocks, some ticking slowly, some ticking quickly. Some weren't ticking at all.
"What are all these clocks for?" the man asked.
"They are lie clocks. Every time someone lies, the clock ticks. That's Mother Theresa's over there. It has never moved. Over there is Nelson Mandela's. It has only moved a couple of times."
"I wonder where George Bush's is..." the man wondered.
"Oh, Jesus has it in his office as a desk fan."